I remember so vividly the moment I knew there was going to be a “you.” It was midnight and everyone was asleep. I knew in my bones you were there. I held the test, trembling. There were so many thoughts that washed over me. I felt like I was barely an ok mommy to one child, and I was worried if I would be a good mommy to two children. I was so scared, Daisy, that I wouldn’t be enough.
Then I heard that sound, the sound that completely alters your heart: your heartbeat. A warm rush of happiness burst through my entire body and it came out in tears. In that exact moment my heart which I thought didn’t have anymore room grew 100 times in size. I didn’t feel scared anymore. You and your brother were more than I ever deserved so I wanted to be the best for you.
I constantly rubbed my belly, hoping you would know that it was me, I sang happy songs hoping you could hear them too, I laughed more often hoping you would know how much the family you were coming in to loved each other. Every morning your brother would kiss my belly and talk to you. “Good morning, Daisy, your big brother is here!” Your daddy sang ridiculous songs, and smiled that big warm smile of his when he felt you kick. We sat on the porch together all talking about what it would be like to have you here with us. We knew we would love it, but really had no idea just how much.
I’m sorry if me turning on a nightlight while you sleep to study your face even though I have done that all day is creepy, I can’t help it. I’m sorry if me kissing your little mouth and nose and cheeks countless times is annoying, I can’t seem to kiss you enough. I know the completely stupid and off key songs I make up to sing to you will be embarrassing one day, but for now it makes you giggle and that’s the best sound I can hear.
There are so many things I wish for you, but my biggest wish is you always knowing just how bright of a light you are. I hope one day you know this love. I hope you open your heart and are able to know deep, unwavering love. I hope I am good enough of a mother that to show you that and how rich it makes your life in turn.
You are our sweet girl, our little angel, our Shoogie Boogie, our Daisy Josephine…you have altered our lives in a way I didn’t think was possible.
I love you, Daisy.