Boring is actually best [Let me explain…]

I tried to get photos of my chicklets halfway decently dressed. Its exciting when you manage to wrangle your 9 month old who is squirming around like an angry raccoon into tiny baby tights and your 4 year old into a button up and jeans when he refuses to wear anything without a “sports picture” (aka logo) on it because he is “Sports Dude.”

In my mind, it went like this: Smiles! laughter! sunbeams! cuddles! sweet little smiles directly looking into my camera!! 

Instead it ended up like this: 

 

Yep.

I put my camera down, frustrated I wasn’t able to get “the shot.” The nice clothes lasted for 5 minutes and then we changed to go outside and enjoy the April sunshine. That’s when I was able to see the stuff that makes my heart pour out with that mommy-level love.

Daisy wasn’t all dressed up in fancy clothes or a headband, Sawyer’s hair wasn’t fixed perfectly and his clothes didn’t match because he dressed himself. Instead, Daisy was chasing after a gummy snack wrapper Sawyer snuck outside and was dressed in a little onsie that she wears most days. Sawyer was in his neon green Nike hoodie that has ridiculous amounts of wear and tear and was jumping from one old stump we have in the backyard to the other.

My babies were in their “element.” Their “natural habitat” (read in Steve Orwin voice, naturally). They were hangin’ out, chilling and enjoying doing the things that little people do. Thats when I was able to get “the shots” I was after. There was no pressure, no forcing anything, I was just letting it all unfold naturally.

That has always been a mantra I try to stand by in my work. You can’t force something. When its real and authentic, it translates. And when its forced, its stressful and unnatural (see those series of photos above as reference haha). I like to think that whatever I’m shooting, I retell it in the most authentic and genuine way I can. Those photos are the ones I will treasure 10, 20, 50 years from now. I want to remember all those details that in the passing of time I will forget.

This day was a reminder of that sentiment and I love that my little babes were the ones who showed that to me. Now, every time anyone passes the photos of Sawyer jumping and him kissing Daisy before take off I have hanging up in my home, I can retell that story and remember that boring and perfect lazy day the way its meant to be remembered.

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Daisy

 

Dear Daisy,
I remember so vividly the moment I knew there was going to be a “you.” It was midnight and everyone was asleep. I knew in my bones you were there. I held the test, trembling. There were so many thoughts that washed over me. I felt like I was barely an ok mommy to one child, and I was worried if I would be a good mommy to two children. I was so scared, Daisy, that I wouldn’t be enough.

Then I heard that sound, the sound that completely alters your heart: your heartbeat. A warm rush of happiness burst through my entire body and it came out in tears. In that exact moment my heart which I thought didn’t have anymore room grew 100 times in size. I didn’t feel scared anymore. You and your brother were more than I ever deserved so I wanted to be the best for you.

I constantly rubbed my belly, hoping you would know that it was me, I sang happy songs hoping you could hear them too, I laughed more often hoping you would know how much the family you were coming in to loved each other. Every morning your brother would kiss my belly and talk to you. “Good morning, Daisy, your big brother is here!” Your daddy sang ridiculous songs, and smiled that big warm smile of his when he felt you kick. We sat on the porch together all talking about what it would be like to have you here with us. We knew we would love it, but really had no idea just how much.

I’m sorry if me turning on a nightlight while you sleep to study your face even though I have done that all day is creepy, I can’t help it. I’m sorry if me kissing your little mouth and nose and cheeks countless times is annoying, I can’t seem to kiss you enough. I know the completely stupid and off key songs I make up to sing to you will be embarrassing one day, but for now it makes you giggle and that’s the best sound I can hear.

There are so many things I wish for you, but my biggest wish is you always knowing just how bright of a light you are. I hope one day you know this love. I hope you open your heart and are able to know deep, unwavering love. I hope I am good enough of a mother that to show you that and how rich it makes your life in turn.

You are our sweet girl, our little angel, our Shoogie Boogie, our Daisy Josephine…you have altered our lives in a way I didn’t think was possible.

I love you, Daisy.

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Waking Up 4

I thought the older he got, the less sappier I would get, but WROONNNGGGGGG. I started crying when I wrote “HAPPY 4TH BIRTHDAY” on our chalkboard wall all alone like a freak.

His likes and interested have been easily and hilariously categorized as “This is Cool Guy Stuff” or “This is not Cool Guy Stuff,” he’s becoming increasingly aware of the fact his dimples will get him out of anything, and his name for his little sister has been officially adopted: Shoogie Boogie. He’s so kind and loving and it makes us both proud. Enjoying life as seen through his eyes right now.

Happy Birthday to my Cool Guy Dude, Sawyer.

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mother’s day

Mother’s Day

 | personal |

I have photos ERY’WHERE in my house. Surprise, right? I joke with my husband that our walls are nothing but a massive shrine to him and our baby because i’m in maybe 2 of the photographs.

Our running joke: “Seriously Lucas, at your funeral there won’t be enough space to put all the photos I’ve taken of you! …Just make sure my one good iPhone selfie makes it to mine if I die first”

Photographs mean everything to me. I can’t tell you how my heart soars when Sawyer goes down the hallway pointing to each image and talking about it. I want our home to be filled with mementos of the crazy deep love we share with each other and I love being surrounded by those reminders. So you would think I would be better at getting in some photographs. But, alas, I am JUST as guilty as every female: “I need to have my hair perfectly styled and highlighted first, I need to find the most hipster/coolest/ yet sexiest/flattering/stylish outfit first, I’ll take them when I get a spray tan, I had too much pizza this month..BLUH, BLUH, blluuuhhhhhh.” Ya feel me, sister?

I actually shed a little tear putting prints from our trip to New York City in an album not to long ago (i’m pregnant so forgive the dramatics), feeling so guilty that I had not insisted in being in at least 1 photo with my family. I know its my due diligence and my passion as a photographer to be behind the camera, its what I love to do. But then I thought of Sawyer looking at these images and wondering: where is his mommy in these? I felt embarrassed that I made a million excuses, mostly vain, to not pass the camera to Lucas.

For this Mother’s Day my husband insisted on taking photos of Sawyer and I because he knew that I had been feeling guilty for not documenting my pregnancy, or basically my existence. We as mommies and wives get so caught up in everyone else that sometimes we forget about ourselves.

I am so, so, grateful that my husband was up for taking the photos of Sawyer and I. We are polar opposites in this regard: he was OVER this in 15 minutes (but isn’t every guy?!). He handled my control freak tendencies like a champ (“dude whoah, NEVER take a photo of woman from a low angle!” “ohhh please get this!! and this! and OH, THIS!”). I cried when I uploaded them. I wanted images celebrating the love that inspires me, moves me, and has shaped me: being a mommy. To me, these images show just that.

I love you, Lucas. I’m overwhelmed with the love you show me daily, my heart could explode!

Ok, enough of the MUSH before I cry all over my computer!!

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B+W afternoon | my life captured

A wild three year old, a sink of dirty dishes, and blah weather. A mundane and boring day, but, hey it’s still a day worth remembering.  I know these moments where he practices his ninja kicks for a solid 30 minutes and chases our labradoodle screaming “RIDE EM COWBOY!” are fleeting…

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